I just don't understand people

Something happened to me today, therefore I think i will post here. See my sister paid me to watch her dogs and house. So being a good brother I said yes, even if she didn't pay me i would still do it. Anywho so all was going fine till her dog tries to bite me. "Hold up this was not in the agreement" I said to myself. So I called her and told her her dog tried to bite me as well as tearing up the floor.  She said he had tried to bite her once before also. Well that is just great wish I had that info before hand or I would have never agreed. Plus the fact that her dogs love eating floor and that I would get in trouble cage or not. I even joked one time to my sister and said you need to put some steak sauce on the floor that must taste nasty plain.

Anyways back to the story, so she calls my house today and says "have you been over to my house today" and I said I was kind of busy doing things, being my money cleared today and I had to pay bills. But I did let her dogs out and fed them and all, like I did everyday I had watched the dogs. I forgot to mention to her that I was not going to be near that dog after he had snapped at me, when I told her intially what he did. You see this dog is almost one hundred pounds and huge and if he sunk his teeth into me it would hurt not to mention the scar I would carry from it.

So she calls me back 15 minutes later saying "I am so mad at you" and "do not talk to me again for a while". I mean I had no problems staying at her house for two weeks, But there is three problems wrong here,

Number 1. the dogs she has, tower over my chihuahuas. I am taking almost one hundred pound dogs.and they already attempted to attack them. Being I was going to have to take them with me, as I can't leave them in my house for two weeks straight and she already agreed to that. The only clear solution to this problem was cage my dogs up while there. Because and I quote "I don't want the dogs caged up all the time" But the problem with that is, she wanted me to be there 24 hours a say. And when I am there all her dogs and my dogs do, is bark at each other. So how was I going to get some sleep. And that brings me to number 2.

Number 2 - how am I supposed to sleep when I have two loud chihuahuas and two big dogs barking at each other. It just was not possible, no way  I was going to risk my dogs getting attacked so I had to keep em in the cage. So that kinda rules out sleeping there.

Number 3 - I am not going to sleep or be near a dog that is untrained and aggressive. Not to mention, he could swallow my dogs whole. And also bite my kids. They also have a chihuahua too and I think they think that if it never attacked her dog it won't attack mine. And since it has not bit her kids it wont bite mine.But I am not taking that chance not for any amount of money.

So readers i lose a family member metaphorically and the help she gives me. All because she thinks everyone should bow to her and her dogs. There is more to this story, but it would be like 3000 plus words before I could tell it all, so all i can do is give you the gist of it. Thanks for reading and have a blessed day.

Marriage and bipolar

So i thought i would write about my marriage while being bipolar. God bless my wife for taking my crap, and for  this i love her to death. Lord knows that she should have left a long time ago (well she almost did but having kids that is very difficult for all members involved), she doesn't truly know what it means to be bi polar. I show her youtube videos read her stuff, and try to explian.She has a idea from my doctor but just can't understand the problems is. She just can not understand i am a emotional shut in. i find it hard to say the 3 words she longs to hear. Maybe it is because i didn't know love growing up.

How would you feel when the two people in the world that are supposed to take care of you do not and you feel utterly helpless, Granted i am not the easiest person to get along with, and my mother had to do it all by herself. My dad was a alcoholic, second generation at that. So i guess he repeated what has seen as a child just as i seem to do, but that is neither here nor there. But anyways, back to the topic at hand. I find it so hard to show affection of any kind to anyone, my kids included. Why is it so hard for me to do this, it hurts deeply but i know of no way to do this.

You know the other day I was thinking that maybe things would be better off without me in the picture. But then I thought to myself, weighting the options as i always do.Why would I waste11 years of my life invested because I am so unhappy. I mean surely i can't find someone else that puts up with as much crap as she does. Especially at my age (not saying i am old) I imagine it would be difficult to. Not that i am ugly or I am not a sweetheart, but because my mood swings like playground equipment. One minute i am happy then the next i am just irate and sad and angry and rude. People do not deserve this kind of treatment, and i hate myself for putting her through this on a daily basis.

So in closing if you are like me, please do yourself a favor and show your wife or husband the respect they deserve. Lord knows they deserve it, even though I can not find the strength. maybe i can help someone else to. Even if only by sharing my story through blog. If i help even just one person then i accomplish more then most people with my disability. So god bless and good fortune.

Living with this is complicated

Sometimes i feel like life plain SUCKS one minute, then another minute i feel GREAT. Why was the born with this curse, the fact is I never know what way is up, and what was is down. Do you know what that feels like to hate yourself one minute. Then to think you are the gods gift to people the next, some days I wonder what it is like to be normal. But then again what is normal and how do people define it, does anybody truly know what normal is? maybe i am normal, maybe people the i know are not.

It reminds me of that Twilight Zone episode. You know the one, where the pretty girl wants to be ugly like everybody else, but fails to succeed after several attempts of surgery and gets dragged to the "be with your own people" place. I could relate to it because I feel like that all the time, but there is no surgery for what i have. I just want to be normal SO,SO,BADLY. but I just can't NO MATTER HOW HARD I TRY. Maybe I should just stop trying to be normal and be myself for a change. Maybe that would work, but who would accept the real me. I don't think anyone would to tell you the truth. If people knew that I can't stand them and put on a "fake face" for them what would they say to me.

I guess for now, I will continue what I am doing. Pretending to be normal and hope for the best. I have been getting along fine with this disease and have learned to cope with it the best I can.