Marriage and bipolar

So i thought i would write about my marriage while being bipolar. God bless my wife for taking my crap, and for  this i love her to death. Lord knows that she should have left a long time ago (well she almost did but having kids that is very difficult for all members involved), she doesn't truly know what it means to be bi polar. I show her youtube videos read her stuff, and try to explian.She has a idea from my doctor but just can't understand the problems is. She just can not understand i am a emotional shut in. i find it hard to say the 3 words she longs to hear. Maybe it is because i didn't know love growing up.

How would you feel when the two people in the world that are supposed to take care of you do not and you feel utterly helpless, Granted i am not the easiest person to get along with, and my mother had to do it all by herself. My dad was a alcoholic, second generation at that. So i guess he repeated what has seen as a child just as i seem to do, but that is neither here nor there. But anyways, back to the topic at hand. I find it so hard to show affection of any kind to anyone, my kids included. Why is it so hard for me to do this, it hurts deeply but i know of no way to do this.

You know the other day I was thinking that maybe things would be better off without me in the picture. But then I thought to myself, weighting the options as i always do.Why would I waste11 years of my life invested because I am so unhappy. I mean surely i can't find someone else that puts up with as much crap as she does. Especially at my age (not saying i am old) I imagine it would be difficult to. Not that i am ugly or I am not a sweetheart, but because my mood swings like playground equipment. One minute i am happy then the next i am just irate and sad and angry and rude. People do not deserve this kind of treatment, and i hate myself for putting her through this on a daily basis.

So in closing if you are like me, please do yourself a favor and show your wife or husband the respect they deserve. Lord knows they deserve it, even though I can not find the strength. maybe i can help someone else to. Even if only by sharing my story through blog. If i help even just one person then i accomplish more then most people with my disability. So god bless and good fortune.